Why being a stay at home mom is the hardest job I have ever had

I just ordered my Christmas cards, and I put our blog address on them. So, I figured I had better get myself together and blog a little before people get those cards. So, in effort to jump start the process, I am borrowing a post I put on facebook.

I have a blog, but I don't have time to update it. As I was tripping over toys in the flloor, running my tongue over my nasty teeth that I haven't had time to brush since 5am yesterday, I got a wiff of my dirty self that hasn't showered since 6am yesterday. Then it hits me.... I decided I was going to take this new full time job of being a stay at home mom because it was going to be so much easier than holding down a regular full time job. Well, let me just tell you if you are considering it-- being a stay at home mom is the HARDEST JOB I HAVE EVER HAD.

So what is a typical day like in the life of a stay-at-home mom.... woken up at 1:30am by the nasty breath of a 4 year old who has been snoring, now hovering over my face to tell me that she has to go pee and there is no toilet paper in her bathroom. Instead of just using my bathroom she insists that I get out of bed and put toilet paper in her bathroom. Now that she is finished, she thinks she heard elves in her closet and she is too afraid to go back to her bed to sleep. It is 1:45am and I don't really care where we sleep, as long as I get to go back to sleep. So, off we go to my bed. Again, I am awakened by said 4 year old. This time, it is because her rear end is on top of my head. I move her, and she proceeds to tell me that I am taking up too much of her space.... yeah, we are in MY KING SIZE BED!!!!

5:35am human alarm clock Sam goes off.... MOOOMMMMAAAA!!! Haaa Miiiiillll (Hot milk). I stumble to his room, taking his prized hot milk. And change his diaper. As we are leaving his room, I attempt to stop in the kitchen and start my coffee. He says, "No, mommy rocky Sam now!" Sure, since my superiors tend to be little people I will just put everything on hold, go rock.... Trying to catch a couple of minutes of the news, orders are barked out again to turn on Hot Dog, Hot Dog... AKA Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

I manage to get my coffee going and hear a shout from upstairs, my oldest child, my husband, is wanting to know if I am cooking breakfast since I am already up. And, by the way, it would be helpful if I could fix his lunch today. Sure.... no problem. But, if I don't get some coffee in this cup it is going to be a bad day for everybody!

It is now 7:15 and Sam has suddenly decided he will not be wearing a diaper. Awesome! Please do not pee or poop all over my floor. In addition to being a stay at home mom, I also do the books for Jeff's construction company and own my own real estate company. So, I try to come upstairs to our office and get a few things done while the kids are watching tv and playing with toys.

I come down about 7:45 to discover that the house I spent 2.5 hours cleaning yesterday has been completely trashed. It is amazing how fast a 2 year old and 4 year old can empty every toy in the house. Not to mention the roughly 175 books that were in Sam's book case that are now scattered all over the floor. Yes, EVERY SINGLE BOOK is off the shelf and in the floor.

I set down to eat a bowl of cereal, because unlike everyone else in the house, I have not had breakfast. Eating my cereal, Sam comes by to wipe his GREEN snotty nose all over my pants leg. Then, LK decides she would like a bowl of cereal. So, I get up and fix her cereal, then set back down to finish my cereal that Sam now has his hands in my bowl. You know, I don't even care, I just eat it anyway. After I finish my bowl and put it up. LK informs me that she is going to finish her ceral and "Have a big fat tummy, just like mine." Great, thanks for the reminder that I am no longer the 115 pound hotty I was at age 21.

So, it is now roughly 9am. No shower, no teeth brushing, all of us still in our pjs. I go upstairs to put paper in the fax machine that is going crazy because it is out of paper. Only to realize we are out of printer paper. Good thing I took the time to do an office supply order yesterday... paper will be delivered by UPS sometime today.

I decide I will make the beds, because at least one part of my house needs to appear that I have tried to clean up. I also realize I MUST take my Dyson apart and clean the filters, because all that crud in the floor no longer gets sucked up. I thought they said the Dyson never loses suction--- Bologna! So, I am rinising out the vacuum and nasty murky water is shooting everywhere. Don't I have a husband to take care of this kind of thing? Oh, I forgot.... the economy sucks right now and he is working 2 full time jobs to make sure he can keep all of his construction guys employed and still pay our bills.

Kids are fighting and crying. I just pretend I don't hear it. That is until Sam screams like his head had been chopped off. No, not disconnected, just a huge pump knot and LK confesses that she slammed it into the coffee table b/c he took her blanket away. Oh well, he will sucker punch her shortly to pay her back... Now we are playing tents. Which means EVERY blanket in my house is now in the middle of my living room, draped over couches, chairs, coffee tables and anything us that can serve as a tripod. Then, Jeff calls to inform me that his cousins who haven't been to my house in roughly 3 years will be spending most of the day with us tomorrow. I glance around the house, great news!!! And, I am sure I was supposed to be fixing a meal as well.

Tent game is boring, time to build a castle. Four year old dumps the 30 gallon rubbermaid tote of those stupid cardboard blocks that I thought were a good idea a couple Christmases ago. LK is trying to build a castle, and the wrecking crew comes through. A fight breaks out.... and then. The kid who has refused to wear a diaper shouts, "PEEE PEEE time." Running over hurdles, I grab him just in time to perfectly position him to pee all over his sister. Yeah, she probably shouldn't have slammed his head into the table. Because, i am pretty sure he thought peeing on her was the greatest accomplishment ever.

10:30am and I have got to get out of this house. So, we go to the post office to see if any of our customers decided today would be a good day to pay us. Out the door, still in my pjs, no shower, no teeth brushed. I really didn't care until I am standing in the middle of the post office and realize I forgot to even put on a bra. Oh well, at least I have on shoes. Or, actually, I still have on my house shoes. Then I start to wonder exactly what these people starring at me are thinking. Not that I care, I just wonder.

Next stop, McDonalds drive thru, because the mess of fixing lunch is more than I can tolerate this moment. Only to pull up to the window and realize that someone has been playing hide and seek with my wallet and it isn't in my purse. Awesome!!! Two kids expecting burgers, one Hispanic lady expecting $6.60, one momma with $2.35 in change..... Lexi Kate, Sam.... where is mommy's wallet? Back home, run in get the wallet, and back to McDonalds. We get home, kids start eating lunch, dog jumps up on the table and takes Sam's burger. Now, I have a screaming 2 year old, still refusing to wear a diaper, screaming hysterically that the dog has taken his lunch. I WILL NOT GO BACK TO MCDONALD'S FOR A THIRD TIME. So just deal with it and eat faster tomorrow.

So, it is now 11:30.... and I have not acccomplished ANY of my required job duties. I have 7 loads of laundry that need to be done, bills I need to pay, a birthday party to finish putting together, grocery list to make, coupons to cut, dishes to wash, dinner to cook, meal to plan for tomorrow, and a house that is an absolute disaster!

So, yes this is the hardest job I have ever had, but the pay is OUTSTANDING! I get to spend my entire day with 2 little people who think I am the greatest thing ever. They will be grown one day, and I will long for the days they spent driving me crazy. And, for those of you who really wish I would take a shower, get dressed, and brush my teeth before going out in public.... I will try to do better tomorrow.

Update on that particular day: It gets better.... First of all, no today is not a bad day. It is actually a better day than most.

And, to add to my day. I finally get the kids down for a nap (or so I think) and decide to take a quick shower. Shortly into my shower Sam co...mes walking into my bathroom with poop running down his legs. Two things- yes, he is still in a crib. And, yes- I was smart enough to make him put his diaper & clothes on before he went down for his nap.

So, at this point I try to decide what has happened: 1) He took his clothes & diaper off before hand and has pooped all over his crib, and decided to crawl out once it was covered in poop 2)He pooped, didn't want to sleep in it, crawled out of his crib, and undressed somewhere between there and the shower, probably leaving a trail of poop all through the house. 3)He pooped, took his diaper off, then crawled out of his crib getting poop in his bed and all over the house.

Regardless of what has happened. My nice peaceful shower now has a poopy 2 year old in it. So much for my fifteen minutes of relaxation.

And, for those wondering where the diaper was-- best possible scenario, in my bed room floor. Shortest trail of poop possible. Thanks son.