I wish my heart could feel what my head knows

I usually try very hard to focus several weeks around reminding my family HOW MUCH we have to be thankful for. I know in my head that we are exceptionally blessed, and if you asked me I could name no less than 50 things we should be thankful for right off the top of my head. But, for the better part of this year, I just haven't been feeling it. I know it, I just don't feel it.

I realize most of you who know our life circumstances are probably wondering if I could possibly be any more ungrateful. I honestly ask myself the same thing on a regular basis. I have been blessed with great health; two healthy, happy, beautiful children; I have a wonderful husband who loves me and is committed to our family. I am blessed to live in a nice house in one of the wealthiest counties in the nation. But, this year has been physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually HARD- and I am not sure that I am thankful for that. Yes, I am thankful for all the many ways God has provided in times we just didn't think was possible. But, I am worn out from it. And, I think if I were truly thankful, I would be willing to go through it all again. Well, let's just say I had rather not.

This morning I did receive a humble reminder of how much "worse" things could be. I was on facebook and was reminded of a friend who lost her husband a few months ago. She is now a widowed stay at home mom, without her best friend, without her financial supporter, and she is some day going to have to explain to her sweet child how a good God could let this happen to them. Another friend was talking about being away from her family while she is having radiation done to treat her thyroid cancer; that same friend has a daughter who has been fighting a serious battle with leukemia over the past 18 months. Yet another friend lost their infant son this year. All of these friends are still thankful and praising God for blessings in their life. Really? Or, are they like me and KNOW they should be thankful and just keep saying it to hope their heart will some day believe it.

So, no I am not at all ungrateful. I KNOW I am very blessed. But, I also know my God created me, and he knows my personality. He knows I am not good with situations that I CANNOT CONTROL. So, for whatever lesson He is trying to teach us through this trial, I really wish we could move it on along. But for now, I will go on knowing I am thankful, praising God for the many blessings in my life, and continue to expect my heart to pick up on it all and once again FEEL truly thankful.